Bonjour Powder Freaks and Half Pipe Legends
Well, I am currently all DEPRESSED and sitting in a Chalet at Mont Joye just outside Magog in Quebec surrounded by loudarsed school kids and I’m absolutely SPEWING because Avril is out having fun and carving up the slopes with her snowboard ALONE since I am WAY TOO INJURED to snowboard today.
Dudes… I currently have tendonitis in my left shoulder that I dislocated, radial head sprains to both forearms, a bruised sacroiliac joint on my arse, a wry neck, bruised patellas on both knees AND sciatica in my lower spine from 2 weeks of snowboarding… and I STILL deliberately had to leave my snowboarding equipment at home just so I wouldn’t be tempted to get back on the slopes today since I am now TOTALLY ADDICTED to snowboarding!!!
So anyhows, I thought I’d take this opportunity to reach into my inner child creative writing skills again to fill you in on our latest snowboarding adventures since this has been MORE than just a snow addiction…
…it’s actually been a COOL story about Ced & Avril and how the obsession of being COOL lead to the origin of a NEW superhero!!!
Once upon a time there were two GEEKS called Ced and Avril who were constantly picked on at school for being very UNCOOL.
Avril was a was an ugly duckling freckle faced girl with a big gap in her front teeth and I was a Chinese Geekboy Slim with a bowl cut and pants that were always WAY higher than my belly button.
Now of course we were always picked on for being UNCOOL GEEKS so we both decided that when we grew up, we would either have to develop laser beams from our eyes to disintegrate all the COOL kids in school… or failing that… We’d have to become COOL ourselves!!!
Now, we both made various lamearsed attempts at TRYING to be COOL like Avril getting a mohawk at age 15 which ended up flopping and looking like a Cyndi Lauper cut… and me memorising every episode of Dr Who up until the Tom Baker episodes… But somehow being COOL always eluded us!!!
So when our friend Sophie offered us the opportunity to come to Quebec for 2 weeks to learn snowboarding, we both realised this was our one chance to become COOLER THAN COOL and maybe THEN all the COOL kids would start talking to us!!!
We were so confident that snowboarding would make us COOL, that we actually bought all the equipment as soon as we landed in Canada without even trying it first, as we figured that even FAILING at being COOL would be COOL…
MAN… We figured that we just COULDN’T lose!!! We were on the cusp of COOLNESS, and it was about to get BETTER!!!
It was in the first week that we realised that we may ACTUALLY have untapped hidden SNOWBOARDING SUPERPOWERS that we didn’t know about, as we both managed to learn it really quickly despite not surfing or skateboarding and despite me DISLOCATING my left shoulder in the first day and Avril busting up both knees…
Man… We were SO TOTALLY INVINCIBLE that we realised that it would be our duty to develop our snowboarding powers further to fight crime!!!
It got a little dangerous at first as I became really obsessed and I was dreaming about snowboarding so much that I was worried that I would sleep-snowboard and jump on Avril’s tummy in the middle of the night…
…although my snowboarding dream was probably a little LESS dangerous than my usual dreams about kung fu fighting ninjas and dinosaurs…
Things were pretty good at first and we thought we were SHIT HOT… However, despite getting good enough to try a more advanced slope by the end of the first week, our COOL superhero dream was about to come crashing down around us just like Vanilla Ice!!!
On the last day of the first week of snowboarding, I caught the back edge of my board and flipped onto my a rse and was instantly PARALYSED with PAIN!!!
It wasn’t a big fall and there was certainly NO penetration, but somehow it completely CRIPPLED me which FREAKED ME OUT totally since I already had a busted shoulder and 2 sprained arms, which didn’t stop me at all…
But this time, busting my arse… I was hurt so bad that just like B.A. Baracas on the A-Team, I went from being a snowboarding badarse to saying “I ain’t getting on NO snowboard Hannibal!!!”
I was COMPLETELY STUNNED that such a minor injury could stop me faster than kryptonite… and it was then that I realised that the only explanation must be that the source of ALL my superpowers MUST actually be in my ARSE!!!!!
In fact, I’d always been an arse man so once I did the ANALysis, it made TOTAL sense to me… However, now that I had turned my browneye BLUE… my days of fighting crime would now be OVER!!!!
Now lesser men would have just given up and retired to the Batcave… but I realised that with such a POWERFUL ARSE comes a GREAT RESPONSIBILTY and just like Batman getting Bat Armour I was able to raid an ARSEnal and get my hands on ARSE PROTECTION IMPACT ARMOUR PANTS and hence I was reborn as the NEW superhero… ARMOURED PLATED ARSE MAN!!!
Well, I wish this was a happy ending, but unfortunately ARMOUR PLATED ARSE MAN had only a very short career as the armour failed me and after trying the steepest run on Mont Joye, I became a victim of WEAPONS OF ARSE DESTRUCTION and hence the reason why I am sitting here injured.
So in the end, rather than leaving Canada as a Superhero… I am leaving more like a SUPPER-hero and when you see the photos, you’ll see that my only option was to eventually change my name to HARD NIPPLE SHRUNKEN TESTICLE MAN, and go back to living as an UNCOOL GEEK in an UNCOOL WORLD.
BUTT not to worry because we now know that Buddhist scripture tells us that to attain COOLNESS, one must seek the path to enlightenment and hence NIRVANA…
Which means that “…The path to COOLNESS is a journey as long as life itself…”
(Quote: The boy priest Tripitaka just before being kidnapped by demons)
…so I’m sure we’ll be COOL one day… Maybe…
Anyhows, by the time we send this we’ll be back in Ireland so keep in touch and remember to protect your a rse!!! You only ever have one ar se and it has to last you a lifetime!!!
Hard Ni pple Shrunken Test icle Man
Powder Puff Girl
PS This is the link to our snowboarding jedi photos and the first gayboy public appearance of Hard Nipple Shrunken Testicle Man
PPS Thanks a lot to Sophie & Angelie for putting us up and teaching us snowboarding and for all the Jedi battles on Lac Memphremagog. You ROCK!!!!
PPPS Like in our last email, if anyone wants to visit us in Caherciveen in Ireland whilst we have a 3 bedroom house, just let us know. You have until Easter when we’ll be off to Europe with our mate Greco.