29/9/05
“Mutant Superpowers will often manifest themselves for the first time in times of extreme stress or extreme self sacrifice…” Professor Charles Xavier founder of the X-men.
Buenos Dias Fellow Superfriends and Avengers of Evil
We are currently in the west of Cuba in a beautiful mountain valley hiking area called Vinales and we have been staying in a Casa Particular which is like a family homestay where you live and eat in a Cuban family’s house, which has been a great and fun way to meet the locals and learn about the difficulties of living under Fidel’s socialist/communist government.
However, today there was an escalation in the CUBAN COCKROACH CRISIS that threatened to harm Cedavril-Cuban diplomatic relations, but instead ended up being the catalyst for the manifestation of Avril’s brand new superpower.
This morning just as we woke up, Avril rolled on top of me in bed for our usual morning cuddle when all of a sudden a FUCKING HUGE COCKROACH fell from the roof and instead of landing on my face, it landed on AVRIL’S FACE…!!!
Now, I didn’t see the cockroach initially, so I was completely stunned when all of a sudden there was a muffled scream and a flurry of red hair and hands in my face and I SHIT YOU NOT… Avril literally just disappeared and TELEPORTED to the other side of the room!!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! Now, I completely FLIPPED OUT as I had never seen anyone actually TELEPORT before and she moved so fast that initially I thought that she may have been using trickwires or mirrors…
But any doubt that I had was soon erased when all of a sudden it happened AGAIN…!!!
After about 20 minutes of looking for the cockroach, but not being able to find it, Avril decided to put on her shorts…
I watched as she looked down and saw a cockroach leg on the floor between her legs and there was a slow motion moment of realisation and THEN it happened AGAIN…!!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT AGAIN!!!
All I saw was Avril squealing and stamping her feet in a rapid dance like fashion like running on the spot, whilst really quickly shaking her head like an epileptic turkey and waving both her hands in front of her face like she was trying to cool a really hot fire in her cheeks… and then POOF…!!! She was GONE…
And HOLY COW… this time she literally TELEPORTED OUT OF HER SHORTS!!!! …which then fell empty to the ground just as a stunned 5 legged cockroach crawled from them…
….ohhhhhhh maaaaannnnn….
Now they say that often the first manifestation of superpowers is the most powerful and uncontrollable and I’d have to say that they are RIGHT!!!
For the next 5 minutes Avril literally screamed unintelligibly in a long forgotten alien language and then continuing her little dance, she literally TELEPORTED ALL OVER THE ROOM moving so fast that at times it seemed like she was in 2 places at the same time…!!!
Well, although it was quite PISS FUNNY and fascinating to watch, it was also a bit distressing as her teleporting powers were so out of control that she ran the risk of teleporting right into a wall…
And hence, it wasn’t until I removed the catalyst cockroach that her repetitive alien turkey screams changed from …KILLETT KILLETT KILLETT… to …ARYUSHOOR ARYUSHOOR ARYUSHOOR… and then she suddenly stopped teleporting… and then made me go right through the backpacks to check that there wasn’t any other cucarachas…
Well I’d have to say, although teleporting is a very impressive and powerful superpower, unfortunately having to put a BIGARSED cockroach down Avril’s pants everytime to activate it doesn’t really make it useful for fighting crime… as funny as it may be…
Additionally, the alien turkey screams that accompany the teleporting are most unpleasant for others in the immediate vicinity, and as the main side effect of teleporting is not sleeping very well… having a crabby Avril is just not worth developing this superpower any further…
Still, the evil scientist in me does believe that the mutant gene for teleporting exists in most human females and it could be possible that a cockroach in your shorts is a universal catalyst to trigger this superpower… perhaps further study is required…
Lastly, Avril may tell you in person that she heroically dived on me to save me from the falling cockroach, but rest assured that cockroaches are like kryptonite to her and she is not that heroic anyway…
We’ll send an actual travel log about Cuba soon, but as email access is not that easy here, it probably won’t be until we are in the USA…
In anycase lots of love and may evil fear your powers…
Cockroach Slayer & Teleport Girl
PS DISCLAIMER: No cockroaches or Avrils were actually harmed in the making of this email… well maybe just one cockroach and one Avril…
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