Selamat Pagi to all you movers, groovers and other furry animals
Well it has been ages since we wrote a travel blog and I sure most of you thought we had faded into boring mainstream domestic life… which sadly yes, we had done over the last year or so. And sadly I AM writing this from the poolside of a 5 star resort in Nusa Dua, in Bali Indonesia instead of some grotty awesome backpackers… but at least I’ve checked into this resort with my stinky backpack still.
…AND… I STILL get to write about poo and fart jokes since me and Kitson are sitting here with Bali Belly which I reckon is definitely from this friggin feckarsed resort.
Man I have been to 63 countries now and I don’t normally get too sick in the tummy, but for a few days now I have had cramps and diarrhea which really pissed me off especially since we rarely get sick when we roughing it, and only seem to get sick when we go to high end places.
So the other day we headed down to the large central pool of this resort so Kitson could have a swim with some other kids that she had befriended. Now, I’m sitting on the edge of the pool since I’m feeling a bit crook when all of a sudden the water turns brown in front of me followed up by little floating bits of seaweed looking things floating by.
Now… this is one of those moments in a parents life when your brain has a spack out and goes… What the feck is that!!??? …Is that shit??? ….Who let their kid shit in the pool… hang on my kid’s swimming in that crap… hang on it seems to be following my kid… hang on is that coming from MY KID????… HOLY FUCK!!! IT IS COMING from my kid!!!!… AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!! Omigod… Omigod… Omigod… now i have to get into this shit filled water and get her out…. Feck Feck Feck FECK!!! I wonder if anyone else can see this!!!! How can I sneak my kid out without anyone seeing this… Hey if I leave her in there it’ll all just get washed away right???… Crap… she might swallow some of that shit…. darn I’ll have to get her out… Ohmigod I’m so embarrassed!!!!
But then it gets WORSE!!!!
I managed to scoop her out and tell the other kids to swim away then but then your brain goes…. aaarrgh do I hold her away from me or put her on my hip…..???? doh… she’s too heavy to hold away… ok on my hip it is…………. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH now all the shit water is running down her legs and all over my legs… feck… feck… feck…. FECK!!!! Do I just get her togs off here and wash her in the pool… or do I walk past all those sunbakers to the toilets which is as far away as you can possibly get…. FUCK!!!!!
OK… best solution… CALL MUM!!!!
So while Avril is off to clean Kitson, my conscience kicks in and I go to tell the other dad that my kid just shat in the pool and he may want to tell his kids to get out… when he turns to me and says… “don’t worry about it… it happens all the time… my kids did that a few days ago….”
No wonder we got FRIGGIN SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were swimming in a friggin GODDAMN CESSPOOL!!!!
And to make things worse… I swear to god the pool wasn’t chlorinated very well and it was definitely not a salt pool! And I heard that Balinese don’t like chemicals so they don’t heavily clean their pools. And of course Avril never got sick since she rarely puts her head underwater in pools!
Man… as a doctor I get a heap of people who come back sick from resort holidays in Bali, Fiji and Vanuatu and places like that… more so than people who rough it, and now it all makes sense. It’s not the food and water you have to watch out for… IT’S THE FRIGGIN-ARSED KIDS POOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These FRIGGIN family resorts are FESTY TOXIC!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say it’s ruined our holiday since we are too crook to go out and explore now so we are stuck here! Which sucks since we really needed a holiday!
So dudes and dudettes, I have had a VERY SHITTY year since I got booted out from my medical practice which I co-founded 11 years ago after a long running argument with the owner over management problems. And to put the boot in, the owner actually turfed me out on Christmas eve which was a nasty thing to do since it left my patients stranded without help over the Christmas season. And unfortunately when I set up, I was really young so I didn’t do the legal work properly, so I would have had to sue her to get compensated which really would have ended up with the lawyers being the only winners.
Luckily, I managed to rent rooms a few suburbs away and most of my patients tracked me down which was really flattering. And now I’ve set up a new medical centre just down the road from my last one with 2 other doctors. And awesomely 7 out of 9 doctors, several staff and most of the patients have jumped across to our new practice so our business is ROCKING!!!
So we were really looking forward to a holiday when a conference came up here in Bali hence why we are here.
Now for all you overseas people, Bali is a place that most Australians would normally never want to holiday in since over the years Bali has become synonomous with low-brow budget Aussie yobos, terrorism, rubbish strewn beaches, drug trafficking and scams. And surprisingly out of all our friends, we only knew of very few who had been to Bali. And we too had never really had any inclination to come over here.
However, I have to say we were really pleasantly surprised. We’ve really enjoyed it… up until the Bali Belly that is… Our first half of the holiday was spent up in Ubud at one of the nicest villa’s we have ever stayed at called Villa Beji Indah with a bungalow looking out over an amazing rainforest which we would highly recommend.
We did the usual temples, and dances and Monkey Forest. As well as the usual mountain biking through the countryside. And of course Kitson fell into a muddy rice paddy just to make it special. And we even managed to catch up with Greg a friend we travelled with in South America 15 years ago.
But the thing Kitson loved the most was cruising around on a motorbike. Man she was
completely more infatuated with riding around on a bike… asian family style with all 3 of us piled on of course… and she would refuse to get off! A bikie mole in the making!
She even managed to fall asleep on the bike which ended up being a great exercise in how to dodge chickens and trucks on the road while balancing a baby.
But anyways Bali was much more awesome than we gave it credit for so we’ll definitely be back one day but not at a resort!
We’ll be home soon. We’ve been slack at keeping in touch and haven’t worked out our next bigarsed adventure yet but hopefully it’ll be somewhere awesome!
Lots of love
Avril No Poo
PS So now we are home and on testing our poos I grew cryptosporidium and Kitson got Yersinia and she was unlucky enough to also get Influenza A on testing too. Bali Belly SUCKS!!!