2/4/08

…2 John’s 1 Cup…

Gruss Gott to all you movers, groovers and other furry animals

Well I am currently in sitting in a crappy hotel in Munich in a cranky pants mood since today we rented a car to drive through the Bavarian Alps to go up to Zugspitze the highest mountain in Germany… but all we saw for 8 hours was the inside of a FRIGGIN cloud!!! In fact, we were driving through the Alps for most of the time and didn’t even know it since the visibility was so fecking s’hitty… FECK!!!

And the thing that p’isses me off the most, is that it’s been like this for the last 3 weeks that we have been in Europe… and doesn’t look like it will clear anytime soon!!! …AAAAAAARGH!!! F’ECKIN European weather…!!!

Anyways, I’ve been on an Eastern European road trip for the last week and a bit, with 2 mates JC and Greco, and we’ve been travelling from Poland to Berlin via Slovakia, Budapest, Dresden and Prague… And honestly, the weather has been so friggin AWFUL, that it has seriously ruined what could have been a great holiday!!!

Now as most of you know, one of my many superpowers is to whinge and complain like a cranky old man, and yet be as immature as a 12 year old kid… But fortunately I have been travelling with 2 mates who totally put me to shame…

JC was probably born a cranky old man, or bitten by a radioactive cranky old man or some s’hit like that… and hence he has whinging superpowers by far greater than my own… And then there is Greco who has the amazing superpower to come up with immature toilet humour in any given situation but due to having congenital cranky bowel syndrome, every joke comes out as a scratch and sniff variety…

So even though the weather has been sh’ite we’ve basically b’itched, moaned, complained, p’erved, giggled and f’arted our way across Eastern Europe… which actually has been fun!!! In fact I’ve never had so much fun whinging and complaining… which is why instead of writing a nice travel blog, I’m totally going to have a moan! Continue reading →

23/3/08

Dzien Dobry and Wisowy Swiat (happy easter) to all you Polish sausages and Sour Krauts

Well, as a completely rude shock to the system after bumming around stinking hot Africa last week, I am currently on a Eastern European road trip with 2 mates John Greco and John Cebula, and freezing my nads off in a ski lodge in the Tatra mountains above Zakopane in Southern Poland, since Avril left on a plane to Venice a couple of days ago…

Now it is certainly beautiful outside as we have hit an unprecedented patch of snowy weather that doesn’t normally occur this late in the season… but the fact that we are 3 guys who don’t ski, staying in a snowy mountain ski lodge with the only food in the place being frozen bananas and Colgate toothpaste… Well that’s just a little bit TOO Brokeback Mountain for me!!!

And the fact that very soon after getting lost for 2 hours while trying to drive a Ford Mondeo up the ski slopes, the conversation turned to whether you can survive in the snow by eating your own s’emen… probably suggests that if you don’t want to read about men behaving badly… you should probably stop reading this blog NOW!!! Continue reading →

16/3/08

Moraho to all you Muzungus and Magilla Gorillas

Well, we are currently sitting in the Bourbon Coffee shop in Kigali, the capital of Rwanda and Man… I have to say, after Ethiopia and Tanzania, we really like Rwanda! The people are absolutely lovely, there is almost no hassles, begging or scams, and the place has a really nice feel to it. I’d easily live here as an ex-pat.

Not only that, but the city itself is huge and sprawled over several hills. And I reckon that Kigali is the most modern city that we have come across so far in Africa with big wide streets with well manicured gardens and no rubbish anywhere… which is really surprising since after watching Hotel Rwanda, I imagined Rwanda to be this backward little shanty town with dirt streets and crumbling buildings everywhere.

In fact, sitting here sipping cappucinos overlooking the city and watching all the business men working on their laptops, it is absolutely impossible to reconcile in my head how a modern city like this could have descended into madness during the Rwandan genocide.

We even popped around the corner to the Hotel Des Milles Collines this morning, which is the hotel from that movie Hotel Rwanda, and even it looks like just a normal hotel in the city centre.

To be honest, we are really impressed at how well Rwanda looks and functions, and even though a visit to the Genocide memorial museum was a very sobering reminder of everything that happened here 14 years ago… the people really have moved on and no-one here even talks about the genocide or even refers to themselves as Tutsi or Hutu anymore.

But the main reason that we came here was to see Gorillas In The Mist!!! Continue reading →

11/3/08

Jambo to all you crazy cats and hungry hungry hippos

Well, we are currently in Arusha Town in Tanzania after finishing a 7 day camping safari, and hopefully tonight I’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep, since for the last few nights Avril has been pestering me to get up and go to the toilet with her in the middle of the night since she is afraid of being eaten by lions!!!

Now certainly, for the last few nights we have had hyenas and lions howling around our campsite, but seriously… what a SILLY girl she is…

What the FECK does she think I am going to do if a lion attacks her while she is having a squat??? Does she think I am going to get a big ball of string and lure it away!!!???

I DON’T THINK SO!!!…

Although I have formidable kung fu superpowers, I’m TOTALLY going to be “Crouching in the grass Tiger” or “Hidden My A’rse Dragon” or running the other way!!!

But last night was different. We we were camping at Simba Camp on the rim of the Ngorogoro Crater and when I got up to have a p’ee, I actually did hear a BIG animal outside our tent along with a low pitch grumbling noise. Continue reading →

3/3/08

Salaam to all you funky chickens

Well, we are currently back in Addis Ababa after bumming around Northern Ethiopia and I’ve got to say… it’s really nice to be back in a big city, since travelling around the north of Ethiopia was actually quite tiring due to the amount of hassles we encountered.

Like we mentioned in our last blog, Northern Ethiopia is famous for its Historical Circuit which is very much based on a lot of biblical history… but compared to the amazing south, the reality of the tourist sights isn’t anywhere near as interesting as the history would suggest.

In fact we decided to skip the town of Axum where the Ark Of The Covenant is meant to be held, since it is apparently a dusty old town with not a lot to see there, and they don’t let you near the church where the Ark is meant to be anyway… which is probably good since we didn’t want our faces melted off like those N’azis in Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

So instead, as we mentioned in our last blog we started our trip in Lalibela, which was the town where there are amazing rock churches carved 10 stories down into the ground…

And thanks to everyone who wrote back saying that they p’issed themselves laughing that I had s’hat on someone’s grave… It’s all funny until someone loses a sphincter! However, as you know, I write “Holy S’hit” a lot in these blogs, but now I feel I can write it with credibility!

Anyhows, after Lalibela, we then headed out to Gonder which other than being suspected to be the location of the mythical lands of Prestor John from the Middle Ages, it is also a town known for some impressive 17th century European castles which look totally out of place in Sub Saharan Africa. Continue reading →

28/2/08

Salaam

Well, we are currently sitting sipping macchiatos surrounded by Jacarandas and Olive trees in the Seven Olives Hotel in the famous village of Lalibela on the Historial Circuit in Northern Ethiopia… And Man… today I did one of the most sacreligious things EVER!!!

Now firstly, I’ll have to paint a picture of how religious it is up here since the northern part of Ethiopia is COMPLETELY different to the tribal south and there is a well defined pilgrimage trail based around the wealth of cultural and religious treasures that trace the area’s history through the ages spanning back to biblical times.

In fact, Ethiopia is probably the only country in Africa with such an abundance of religious history as it lies at the crossroads of the Coptic Church, Christianity, Judaism and Islam.

In researching our trip here, we were absolutely stunned to find how much popular history actually originates from this area, especially since before we came, the only things that we knew about Ethiopia were the famine and that they have great long distance runners.

Firstly, Lucy, our oldest known ancestor at 3.5 millions years of age was discovered just north of here in the Danakil area, so that in itself is really cool.

But even cooler is that this area is known throughout biblical times as being the home of the Abyssinians and Axumite peoples.

In fact, the Ark Of The Covenant which contains the 10 Commandments is meant to be stored in a small church in Axum a town just north of here, after it was moved here from Jerusalem in about 700BC. Continue reading →