27-3-99

Hey there funkmeisters, groovsters and other assorted fluff monsters

It’s been a long time since you heard from us, but WE ARE BACK ON-LINE!!!!!!!
Sorry, we haven’t written in a while, but we have only just bought a computer so we’ve been in internet limbo for a while.

Well we’ve been back for 3 months now and honest to God…. IT REALLY SUCKS THE BIG ONE!!!!! Avril’s been working in a pharmacy as a vitamin consultant, and I’m back at my old General Practice in Ipswich… and I can honestly say, that after you’ve stuck your finger up a few smelly bottoms and swabbed a few infected uteruses, you can definitely say…. it’s like you never left… Continue reading →

4/12/98

Salaam alekum you camel spitting infidels

Well, dudes and dudettes, we’ve been travelling in Egypt the last few weeks, and what can say, except Egypt is totally amazing!!!!

Now that we’ve seen rest of the world’s archaeology, we can safely say that being in Egypt is just way too cool for school, dude!!!! We’re in the cradle of civilisation here… but it actually smells like the nappy of civilisation!!!

Anyway, we flew into Cairo and met up with Kendall, a lovely lass who we travelled with in Bolivia and instantly found out that she was worth 100 000 camels, whilst Avril was only worth 50 000…. looks like I’ll be holding onto her until I get a better deal…

Well, we thought that while we were here, we might as well mosey like geezers down to Giza to see the pyramids and honestly, despite all the photo’s we’ve seen, words cannot describe how awesome it is to actually be standing in front of the sphinx with the 2 massive pyramids looming in the background!!!!

A totally amazing experience except for being hassled the shit out of by camel drivers and groping Arabs… We soon learnt that although there are nice Egyptians, all the obnoxiously rude arseholes live at Giza!!!!

We did the standard camel ride around the pyramids despite being told that the camel drivers are rort beasts…. and sure enough, we had a huge fight when the tosser wouldn’t let us off the camel until we paid him heaps of money… Fortunately, the police intervened before we went some serious biffo!!!!! Continue reading →

13/11/98

G’Day and a big dog’s bollocks hello to you all…

We’re real sorry that we haven’t written in a while, but the UK is sooooooooooo expensive that getting onto the net is really bleeding us…

Since our last letter though, we’ve done an absolute poo load of things and since we’ve gotten heaps of mail wanting to know how we are, I guess it’s time for another group letter boys and girls.

Well after our last email in San Francisco, we hopped on a greyhound bus and did the awful 3 and a half day journey across the big US of A to Boston on the east coast… and nothing could have prepared us for how crap it was!!!

Honestly, we had every weird-arsed American caricature on that bus including hip-hop homeboys and old guys speaking in jive. We even had the cops do a drug raid and hassle some freaky dude about possessing a gun on the bus… which in retrospect was not a good idea, since after the cops left he placed the gun on his lap and started preaching about god giving him the right to bear arms… scary shit… Only in America… right…. Continue reading →

29/9/98

Greetings crazy funsters

Oh my GOD!!!… We’re back in the western world!!!!!!! …And not a moment too soon… The Latino world was fun, but we had run out of our favourite hair mousse and desperately needed to get to the USA before our hair got a major soft-on!!!!

Hence we did the horrific 2 day bus ride from Mexico city to Tijuana on the US border (holding our hair up all the way mind you)…

Initially we thought we had bought first class tickets… but that was until the really smelly locals with their chickens and ducks got on the bus with us… Well by then we knew that we had been sacrificed to the Mayan god of chicken poo.

Anyway, we must have picked up the aroma because it took us 3 hours just to get across the USA border into San Diego…

The border officials couldn’t believe that tourists would enter the USA thru Mexico so they honestly didn’t know what to do with us… so of course we got lumped with a massive line of Mexicans who all spoke like Speedy Gonzalez… South Mexico was sooooo much better…

Well fortunately my uncle came to our rescue and whisked us away to a friend’s condo on the beach in San Diego where a real shower and real toilet reminded us that we had to behave like we were human again… darn it… just when we were having fun de-evolving. Continue reading →

15/8/98

Hi there funky monkeys and secret squirrels

Well here we are in Mexico City, which is apparently the third biggest city in the world, and it’s pretty fantastic…

However, from the response of our last letter, it sounds like we freaked a few people out about Central America… Well all we can say is… don’t listen to us…

Although Central is a little more dangerous than South America, it is a beautiful place that we’ll go back to one day. We just ran into a lot of hassles in a small amount of time so it jaded our experience…. still watch out for that Chagas disease bug… It’ll definitely bite your balls off!!!!!!…

Since our last letter, we left Antigua in Guatemala and flew to Tikal an absolutely amazing Mayan city in the eastern Guatemalan jungle…

It would have to be one of the most amazing places we’ve been to… Tikal is a huge Mayan city that you can climb to the top of the pyramids and look out over other pyramids that tower above the tree line of a jungle that has more wild life than we’ve seen in any other reserve… including the Amazon.

The pyramids are separated by paths in the thick jungle where you rarely see other people, only spider monkeys swinging in nearby trees and toucans swooping over your head and coatimundis (anteater type things) scurrying past your feet…absolutely splendiferous!!!

At one point we were trying to sneak into an excavation site (templo V for those who’ve been) when all of a sudden a family of howler monkeys started ambling across some branches above our head… Well, they were big black furry things but the male had the biggest white testicles we’d ever seen… needless to say WE HAD TO GET A PHOTO OF THOSE!!!

Anyway, I had just focused in and was happily snapping away some shots of this chappy’s fine gonads when all of a sudden something hit me hard in the shoulder…

Well I think to myself… Holy shit… They’re throwing things at me…. but then I looked up and strewth almighty… the female was actually pissing AND shitting on my head!!!! Continue reading →

20/7/98

Hey there movers, groovers and other furry animals

Well we’ve arrived in Antigua in Guatemala after an absolute whirlwind trip thru Central America full of danger, intrigue and strange mutant animals.

Flying into Panama City was a complete shock to the system… It was sooooo bloody hot!!!! We realized that we’d really been sheltered from the heat and mosquitoes by the altitude…. but other than that, it was a kind of funky place.

The city itself was a huge bustling metropolis where the Afro-caribs outnumber the Latinos and everyone speaks American. Unfortunately it was also really expensive so we ended up staying in the slum area where they tell you not to walk down side streets in the daytime or you’ll get mugged… budget travelling really sucks the big one sometimes.

It actually wasn’t too bad and although the people rarely smile, they were the most helpful people we’ve come across so far… one lady even stopped at the bus stop and took us from the airport and drove us for over an hour to our hotel telling us all about Noriega and how they weren’t real happy about the war with America in 1989… a very touchy topic.

However, the Panama Canal was fantastic… we didn’t think we’d get off on watching big boats, but actually seeing these HUGE boats being lowered to sea level with only 26 inches clearance on each side was amazing. (Patrick you’ll wet yourself if you make it here!) It was so cool that we rate it as almost as much fun as watching your rubber ducky spin down the bath hole!!!! Continue reading →